


Sleep is for the Weak

by Bagoftricks



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: 30, anyways i'd die for jester and i'd kill to take a nap, or at least i wrote this to comfort myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 09:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15638232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bagoftricks/pseuds/Bagoftricks
Summary: Jester checks her reflection regularly, to make sure the wear isn’t showing on her. If she looks okay, and if she acts okay, then eventually she’ll start to feel okay. That’s how it works.





	Sleep is for the Weak

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta’d and written at 7 in the morning after an all-nighter, as all good fanfic are of course.

Jester is really good at hiding it – that she isn’t sleeping. The others are so used to seeing her with sugary treats in hand that they don’t notice the uptick in her candy consumption. At worst, they probably think her brush with death and the loss of Molly have just reminded her to enjoy the little things.

Sometimes her stomach churns and groans, but the nausea keeps her awake just as effectively as the sugar.

“Jester was my rock,” she overhears one night, when the others think she has fallen asleep. She is curled up around Nott, who passed out ages ago. She doesn’t know if Caleb is still awake or not, but Beau and Fjord are sitting up against the side of the bed, talking in whispers, wary of waking them.

Fjord continues, “No matter what they said or did… how they hurt us, or tried to deceive us, she was always so… _sure_. There were a couple times, I thought y’all wouldn’t come for us.”

“Fjord,” Beau protests softly.

“I know. I know… I know. But it’s hard to hold onto hope, a situation like that. Yasha was so quiet in her cell, no matter what they did to her, I thought a couple times she might’ve been dead – except that they kept keeping at it. And it was just… tough. But Jester – she never doubted y’all. And she did everything to keep our morale up. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t’ve…” Fjord trails off, into silence. His words spiral into the darkness. Jester’s back is to them, but she can imagine the slump in his shoulders. She can hear, in the silence, the _clik-clik_ of him picking at his teeth.

Jester closes her eyes and sees them putting hooks into Yasha. She closes her eyes and hears them taunting Fjord.

So Jester isn’t sleeping.

\---

She likes Caduceus. He feels familiar, in a weird way. He’s full of wonder and curiosity, trying new things as they are presented to him. His inexperience is cute, and reminds her a little bit of Molly, but then that starts to hurt so she generally stops thinking about it.

But Caduceus is nice. When he sees her roaming the tavern at night, he doesn’t try to send her to bed. Instead he makes her warm, sweet teas and sits with her a while. He tells her about the graveyard, about the corruption, about the very nice firbolg, Nila, who promised to have her tribe take care of his former home.

“So why are you travelling with us?” Jester asks during one of these late-night conversations. “I mean, we are _pretty_ great and all but also sometimes people point weapons at us and there are _probably_ safer ways to travel, not that I don’t like you or anything. Also it’s a little weird that you just decided to help Beau and Caleb and Nott free us on a whim? I mean, I super-duper appreciate it, but like, it’s really weird don’t you think?”

A smile slowly spreads across Caduceus’ face as she talks. He tilts his head and waits for her to finish, sipping on his tea. He says, “Oh, well. Before your friends came along I never really went far beyond the graveyard. I’d always wanted to leave, but someone had to tend it, and it’s dangerous to go alone anyways.” He ponders for a moment before continuing, “Your friends were my best chance to get out and about. I want to see what the world has to offer.”

Again, Jester is reminded of Molly. She smiles, says something nice in response – but in Caduceus’ head tilt she sees Mollymauk, tilting his head as he takes in the curiosity that is famously Jester Lavorre. When he presses warm teacups into her hands, she sees Molly, handing out gold to bandits one by one, telling them to live a better life.

When she closes her eyes, she hears the sound of fighting and Molly’s agonized cry and Beau saying, “For Molly,” and then someone – Keg? – begging to be the example instead.

But she doesn’t have to close her eyes. The sugar, the nausea, talking with Caduceus late into the night – it all serves its purpose. She doesn’t have to sleep. She’s fine.

\---

She hasn’t been keeping up with her journal. There isn’t much to write in it, anyways. Following the ordeal they all just went through, they’re taking some time to relax in Zadash. They certainly have the money for it.

Nott makes sure Jester doesn’t want for anything. She presents her with pastries and baubles all throughout the day. She finds Jester throwing up in an alley – too much sugar, not enough of anything else – and comes back a while later with herbs that soothe the stomach. She doesn’t ask questions.

Jester thanks her, and hugs her, and declines the flask that Nott then offers.

“We’re going to the bathhouse tomorrow,” Nott says as they make their way back to the Leaky Tap Tavern. “Caleb and I, that is. If you want to come along?”

“Are you saying I am stinky, Nott?” Jester teases, and Nott flashes sharp pointy teeth at her.

“ _I_ think you smell fine.”

“Then I must be very, very stinky.” Jester pretends to think it over, but the truth is she’ll never pass up the opportunity to relax in a bathhouse. “I _suppose_ I could go with you, and make sure that you and Caleb both wash your hair.”

Nott pulls a face that tells Jester she wasn’t even planning on getting into the water.

When they get back to the tavern, Nott doesn’t mention that Jester was sick earlier.

\---

“Are you alright, Jester?”

Beau doesn’t normally speak with what Jester would call a _gentle_ tone, but there’s a first time for everything. It’s just the two of them at the table – Fjord is out getting some fresh air and Caleb and Nott have disappeared to go book shopping or something. Jester doesn’t know where Caduceus went.

“I’m fine,” Jester says through a mouthful of pancakes, “Why do you ask?”

“You seem a little… off-balance. Literally.”

Jester giggles, as if it’s a silly thing Beau just said. Part of her does think it’s funny. She’s been finding a lot of things funny recently. She hasn’t slept for more than a couple hours in almost a week. There’s a constant buzzing in her ears – she can hear the blood pumping. Her vision wobbles occasionally. And, yeah, she’s been having some dizzy spells.

She just says, “There’s this part in _Tusk Love_ that I remembered,” and Beau, for all her attempts at warmth and genuine connection since their reunion, visibly checks out. Jester doesn’t blame her – she did that on purpose. She talks about the book just long enough that she thinks Beau has forgotten about her question before finally letting up.

“You should read it sometime, Beau,” Jester says in conclusion. “It’s really very good.”

Beau shrugs. “Not really my thing.”

“What, _romance_?” Jester sing-songs.

Beau’s gaze travels to the nearest window. She’s quiet for a moment. Then she says, “Nah. Romance is for chumps.”

“I think you’re just bad at it.”

Beau laughs and nods. “You might be right.” She’s quiet for a while; long enough for Jester to finish her pancakes in peace.

Then Beau says, “Do you think Yasha is doing okay out there?”

A rotation of bloodied blades and hooks flashes through Jester’s mind, and the food in her stomach turns sour.

Jester says, “Yasha is very strong.”

“I know… It’s just, she’s dealing with this all on her own. The torture, and… Molly…” Beau finally tears her gaze away from the window and the cloudless sky beyond it. “I mean, you and Fjord have us, and each other. We’ve got your backs. You can talk to us about all of that and work through that shit with people who love you.”

“Yeah, that’s probably why I’m already over it,” Jester says breezily, “but Fjord is a big baby, so it is very nice for him to have this, actually.”

“Jester…”

“But I’m sure Yasha just needs to deal with it differently,” she continues. “Don’t worry, Beau, before you know it you’ll be right back to being bad at flirting with her while the rest of us try to sleep through it.”

Not that Jester is sleeping, anyways.

\---

Jester checks her reflection regularly, to make sure the wear isn’t showing on her. If she looks okay, and if she acts okay, then eventually she’ll start to _feel_ okay. That’s how it works.

Every now and then, Fjord will get lost in his own thoughts and go back there, but when Jester touches his shoulder he steadies. He smiles at her, and she sees that his tusks are starting to peek out from behind his lower lip.

She is a reassuring presence for him because he thinks she’s okay. And she will be – she basically is already. She has even started writing in her journal again. Just tiny updates, about what she’s eaten or if she has bought anything. Small things like that.

When they start to take jobs again, Jester is sure that she’ll have more exciting things to put into her journal and then it will be easy again. Talking to the Traveler is hard right now because she isn’t doing much travelling. That’s all.

She finishes up today’s update (breakfast with Beau – pancakes) in time for Nott to come scurrying in to fetch her for the bathhouse.

She and Caleb walk in silence while Nott flits ahead, comfortable in the city now. Jester is content to hum and snack on some hard candies she had found in a shop the other day. The sky is bright blue, the streets are bustling. For a moment, Jester can almost fool herself into thinking they never left on that cursed trip in the first place.

They reach the bathhouse and rent out a room – one for the three of them, although Nott immediately disappears and so does the doorknob and a few nice candleholders.

Jester is happy to sit with Caleb for a while, though. He’s nice, if smelly, but they’re taking a bath now so soon he won’t be smelly at all.

As she settles into the warm water, Jester catches a mirror out of the corner of her eye. Side-by-side with Caleb, she can see how… _similar_ they look. Her hair lays flat against her head. Her skin is dry and sags in her cheeks. The bags under her eyes are dark and deep.

And Caleb says, “So, ah, Jester, I wanted to… talk to you.”

“What about?” Jester asks, turning her head just enough that the mirror is no longer in sight.

“Well… I’m sure you are, sick, of hearing this but. How are you… doing?”

“Oh, I’m fine!” Jester says cheerfully, smiling for him.

Caleb looks at her, expressionless. Waiting.

Jester holds her smile.

“Jester,” Caleb says finally, “It is okay, to not be okay.”

Her eyes burn. At first she thinks it’s from the steam, but then Caleb is moving across the bath and hugging her, and she’s sobbing into his chest. He shushes her and rocks back and forth. She sobs, and he sing-songs little Zemnian lullabies under his breath, and he holds her tight.

“We are all very worried about you,” Caleb says to her. “You are very, very strong and you are a very, very happy person. We would like to see you happy again, Jester. But you don’t have to pretend.”

“I _am_ happy,” she sniffles, “Because I have all these really cool friends and I get to see a lot of really great things but – but,”

“I know. I know.” Caleb pats her back, a little awkwardly. She laughs into his chest, because it’s nice to see that some things just don’t change. It’s comforting.

“I was scared,” she finally admits.

“We were always coming for you.”

“I know,” Jester pulls away from him and wipes her cheeks. “But what if – what if I didn’t make it that long? What if Fjord or Yasha didn’t? I was scared, and the Traveler wasn’t there and…”

“He wasn’t there,” Caleb says firmly, “Only because he knew that Beau, Nott, and I _would_ be.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“ _Nein_. But he is your friend, just as we are… friends. And friends don’t leave.” Caleb turns away from her, slumping back against the wall. Softly, he repeats, “Friends don’t leave.”

The door flies open and Nott tumbles in, arms full of baubles and eye wide in panic. “Jester! Caleb! Get dressed we have to go right now! Immediately right now we have to leave!”

Caleb curses in Zemnian and scrambles out of the bath, and Jester laughs because Nott is pacing in frantic circles, obviously torn between wanting to bolt and wanting to make sure her friends get going.

“When we get back,” Caleb says as he hastily pulls his pants on, “You should try to take a nap, Jester. You look even worse than me, _ja_?”

Jester doesn’t know that she can, but she grins at him anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn’t stop thinking about that moment where Jester writes to the Traveler, “Why didn’t you come?” versus the conversation Beau and Fjord had about how Jester was seemingly coping Quite Well while she danced by herself to some tavern music.  
> That’s okay. If anybody can smell trauma, denial, and poor coping mechanisms from three miles away, it’s the Stinky Wizard Man himself.


End file.
